“Men come home to rest, and women come home to work”

When does your workday actually end?

Have you ever heard that expression?

It’s an old saying, and yes, it’s a generalisation. Families look different, responsibilities vary, and plenty of men carry a heavy load at home too. But there is something in that sentence that I think many women will recognise.

We finish work. We come home. And then we start again. What I’ve heard being called our “second shift” when we get home.

Dinner. Laundry. Appointments. School emails. The children’s activities. The birthday invitation that needs an answer. Tomorrow’s arrangements.

Even when we sit down, we may still be organising everyone else’s lives in our heads.

So the question I want to ask this week is simple: At what point in the day are you allowed to be done?

My grandmother had a stopping point

My grandfather worked outside the home. My grandmother worked at home, and she worked hard.

When he came home, he would shower, sit in his favourite chair and read his newspaper. His paid workday had ended. My grandmother’s work did not end at that same moment.

But she had something I now encourage my clients—and myself—to think about: regular pauses, and a point when she stopped.

In our culture, a siesta after lunch was part of the day. My grandfather would come home, eat lunch, have his nap and return to work. My grandmother would also rest before getting on with the rest of her afternoon.

After dinner, she would sit down, watch her soap operas and crochet.

There was still work in the home. There were still things she could have done. But her day had a rhythm that included rest.

That is the part I keep coming back to.

The work that follows us everywhere

My life looks different from my grandmother’s. My husband and I both work. I work online, and working from home certainly does not mean I am available all day. Often, it means work can spill into every available space.

Then there is the work of running a family. Driving everyone around (oh yeah, my grandmother didn’t drive! Lucky her.)

While recording this week’s podcast, I was already thinking about what I would make—or order—for everyone to eat. There are medical appointments to arrange, school emails to answer and parents’ WhatsApp groups to keep up with.

It isn’t only doing the task. It’s remembering that the task exists.

I could find something useful to do for my work, my children or my home at almost any hour of the day. Many of the women I speak to could say the same.

If finishing everything is the condition for resting, when will we ever rest?

“I’ve never seen a mother sit as much as you”

Last Christmas, my 17-year-old nephew came on holiday with us and said something that stayed with me:

“I’ve never seen a mother sit as much as you.”

At first, I felt hurt. I heard it as criticism. I remembered being a young mother who never stopped, and part of me still felt I should prove how much I was doing.

But I have grown into a woman who knows her worth—and her limitations.

We can do all things, but not all at the same time.

I sit down now. I rest. I have things I enjoy doing that do not produce something for my family or my business. One of those things is paint by numbers.

My grandmother had her crochet. I have my paints.

I want my daughters to see that their mother is allowed to rest, too.

Rest needs room in the household

I remember putting young children to bed and then going back to clean the kitchen, finish the laundry and prepare for the next day. If you are in that stage, I understand why an evening stopping point may feel impossible.

My circumstances are different now. My daughters are teenagers, and after dinner they are responsible for cleaning the kitchen. My husband and I also pay for help with housework. I know that option is not available to everyone.

Those details matter. Having time to rest depends partly on how much work we are carrying and what support we have.

It helps to look at who owns each responsibility: who notices it, plans it and makes sure it gets done. Sharing that responsibility can create more space than waiting until one person is overwhelmed and then offering to help.

For me, recognising that I need support has been part of learning when to stop.

Giving yourself time to wind down

Cortisol is an extremely important hormone. Its natural daily curve is highest in the morning and lowest in the evening.

So at some point in the day, we need to actively work towards lowering our cortisol levels. We need a stopping point—a time when we disconnect from work and the responsibilities that could otherwise keep us busy around the clock.

That is where those cortisol-lowering techniques come in. My grandmother watched her soap operas and crocheted. I paint by numbers. You might read a book or do something else that helps you switch off.

Sleep and cortisol are closely related. Lower cortisol levels in the evening help support better sleep, giving us the opportunity to rest and recover before the next day.

Persistently high cortisol can affect our blood sugar, belly fat, overall metabolic health and general health. Making room for rest is part of caring for that health.

What time are you done?

For me, I need two things: help with the workload and a point in the day when I stop.

That might be six o’clock. It might be seven. A few hours before bed, I need to be able to say to myself: “My work is done for today. Now it’s time for my cortisol-lowering techniques.”

If you are a young mother with young children, I know that can feel impossible. I was there. My circumstances are different now, and having help and sharing responsibilities gives me more room to rest.

But I have also had to learn to let myself sit down.

We can do all things, but not all at the same time. There will always be something else we could do for our work, our children or our home. We still need a stopping point.

My grandmother had her crochet. I have my paints.

At what time do you shut off? At what time do you disconnect and give yourself permission to rest?